Adam's Tragic Archive - Day 11 to Day 20

Day 20

If you had to do a Maths exam combined with getting a couple of fillings, you would feel almost as petrified as I did walking in to the speed dating event.

I walked past the front door 3 times just building up the courage to go in. Talking to strangers on a night out is not something I would usually do. I wouldn’t usually go out.

I spent a bit of time weighing up the opposition. This was actually pretty good for my morale. I think this part was the best £20 I’ve ever spent. I looked pretty good in comparison. I was a God amongst men in this room. I then realised that they all probably felt the same about themselves looking at me. Rude.

I spoke to 20 women during the night. You settle into it after a time. It’s a bit like riding a bike. You wobble about a bit at first, you get going, but then you get a bit cocky and fall on the cross bar and damage yourself and you never want to get on that stupid bike again.

4 minutes goes very quickly, the opposite of a song by The Script, and then you just move on. A bit like that girl at school. You know the one…

I now have to wait and see if anyone I liked matches with me, which narrows it right down but I’ll get an email if they do.

I’m not holding my breath.


Day 19

Bought my snacks for my drive to Manchester on Friday.  A few bags of crisps and some man size Lion Bars. A truckers diet.

I’m writing this just before I go to bed and I’ve already eaten the lot.

I’m heading up North to spend some time with my family.

I already know the journey will be a nightmare, followed by me falling asleep in a performance of the Lion King, before paying over the top for an average hotel room, which I’ll have to get out before I’m really awake, before driving back down south absolutely shattered with a brain full of nightmarish partially seen lion people.

I’m really looking forward to it.

I’ll have to try to get some sleep Thursday afternoon as I’m going speed dating in the evening.

I’m absolutely terrified. I’m counting the 4 minutes I spend with each girl as a relationship.

I’ve done some research in to the types of questions to ask, but already know I’m going to be terrible at it. I must remember to only ask if they’ve wet themselves if I’ve got nothing else to say.

That question has to work some time though...


Day 18

After just 3 weeks I’ve found a flaw in the collecting the gold coins plan.

I bought some bread on the way home. I only had a £20 note and they didn’t have any notes so my fund went up from £18 to £36 in one swoop.

I’m concerned the woman that sits near the cashpoint in the bank thinks I have a gambling problem I’m in there so often at the moment carrying bread.  That, or a sandwich addiction.

I’ve got a new favourite TV programme. American Pickers on the History Channel. I doubt anyone’s even heard of it let alone series linked it. It’s a show where a couple of guys go to people houses and buy old stuff and they try to sell it on.

That’s basically it, but it lasts for an hour and nothing much happens. You don’t really know if they’re making money as they make the prices up on stuff and you never actually see them sell anything. Their showroom must look like under my bed.

It does make me wonder if they’ve ever heard of eBay? They could save themselves a lot of time and maybe they could pick up a DVD recorder for a tenner.

Unlucky boys, you’re a week late…


Day 17

Gave blood today. It’s me just doing my bit for society, and just in case I need it, I’ve got some stockpiled up.

I was reading a gadget magazine in the aptly named waiting room.  I was there so long I had time to look at all the pictures twice. I could write for one of those magazines. You just have to say everything’s brilliant. I’m always saying how things are really good. I’m just a positive person.

Someone fainted. I knew she was going to be trouble when she came in singing to herself and had difficulty getting on the table. She had finished giving blood when she hit the deck. I looked concerned and managed not to laugh. Until I got in my car.

Caught a glimpse in my neighbours flat and I was shocked to find out he has a baby. I didn’t even know a woman lived in there. I thought he lived on his own. That has to be the quietest baby I’ve ever heard of. 

I make more noise than this baby just shouting at the wind each night.

They might have the world’s quietest baby but I’ve got an original Buzz Lightyear sat on my shelf.  So who’s the big winner there then?

They are.

Day 16

Went to the opening Tiger Tiger in Portsmouth on Friday.

It was my first night for about 6 months so I was quite excited and saw it as an opportunity to maybe meet people I wouldn’t normally socialise with. Or anyone really.

Inker from work was talking to a couple of girls who were going to be dancing later in the night. His banter was beginning to dry up so I thought I’d lend a hand.

I have quite a way with the ladies and that way is a cul-de-sac.

Here we go, I thought. They will find this hilarious and prove that laughter really is the way to a woman’s heart as so many people claim. George Clooney claims that. That’s George Clooney. The hottest man in the world 2010 and 2011.

I noticed one of them was stood in a spilled drink, so I asked her if she’d wet herself.

They didn’t stick around.

I did fall in love with a couple of women. Drinking again after a month off may have had something to do with that.

I didn’t speak to them though. Most women scare me.


Day 15

Terrible start to the day. My contact lenses refused to go in this morning. It’s never fun putting your finger in your eye but it’s less so when it feels like you’re shoveling sand in there. I was forced to wear my glasses to work.

Wearing glasses brings out a strange side in people you talk to. You can tell they want to do just one thing.

Why do people feel the need to try on someone’s glasses?

They aren’t your prescription, they don’t fit you properly, and when you’re wearing them I can’t actually see, so any chance of seeing how silly you’re acting pretending to be me is completely lost.

If you’re that desperate to wear glasses, get your own, 2 eyes.

I didn’t go out on the work night out which once again was more of a problem for everyone else than me.

If someone forces me to do something I’m less inclined to do it.  Which is probably why the last girl I was seeing ended it because she kept demanding to spend time with me. Out of order.

I didn’t waste the evening though.

That ironing wasn’t going to do itself…

Day 14

Woke up with a huge spot on my face. It’s so big I’m sure it’s blocking some of my vision.

I’d like to think that a spot on my face is like ruining an expensive painting. It ‘s really not though as no one comes to this museum, and if they do, they’re more desperate to spend their money on the rubbers and pencils in the gift shop, not admire the artwork.

I was really happy to notice that Valentines Day stuff has started to appear in shops. Great.  All the shops have turned soppy red.

I really don’t understand Valentines Day. It’s the only day of the year that is set up to make you feel terrible about yourself. Apart from Christmas… and Easter… and my Birthday.

When I was at school I was quite popular. Girls quite liked the cute, happy go lucky, cheeky scamp thing I had going on.  I didn’t have spots either.

I used to get loads of Valentines Cards, but I wouldn’t put them up, as there wasn’t enough space on the mantelpiece for them all.

Now the only card I get is from my Mums dog

I put that one up…

Day 13

Continued my attempts to improve my Karma today. My downstairs neighbour needed to get the Sky man in and as my flat has the access to the roof he needed, I loaned him my spare set of keys.

I was fine with it until all I could think about was getting home to a completely empty flat. I would be gutted if someone stole my knitted Usain Bolt.

I’ve lived in this building for 5 years, but don’t really know anyone. There was a rude note left downstairs once which accused me of something, so I responded by threatening to knock on everyone’s door at 4.30 in the morning just so they knew when I left the building.

No one has spoken to me since.

Overheard some girls talking in the street. The conversation ended with them all saying ‘Love You’.

Girls always say ‘Love You’ to their friends when they can’t really mean it.  No man has ever said to one of his male friends that they love them. They’re lucky to get a phone call to arrange a night out.

I wish someone would say they loved me...

Day 12

When they download all my details when I go to the giant radio studio in the sky, the technicians will find that I spent most of my life trying to get a shower to be the right temperature.

The showers at the gym seem to only have 2 settings but 5 numbers. 1 is freezing, 2 is freezing, 3 is freezing, 4 is volcanic, 5 is the temperature of the sun.

The shower in my flat does have a perfect temperature but only if there’s a full moon.

I’ve become a little concerned by the face I must make when I’m in the shower.  Everyone’s probably worried about that though.

I know Gillies theory on mentioning you’re in the shower, but I don’t want to look at myself, so can’t see why anyone would want to imagine that.

Sold my first item on eBay yesterday. I got a tenner for a DVD player that had been under the bed for 3 years and I was going to throw out, so can’t complain, but I will. I’ve got to deal with the hassle of sending it now. 

Got to find a box big enough to go in, which is proving difficult. Might just sellotape an address label on it and bung it in the work post.

I wish I’d just binned it.


Day 11

Had a bit of a weird Saturday night to be honest.

It was quarter to 6 in the evening when I received a phone call from a friend who was supposed to be DJing in Richmond.

I really enjoy hearing about other people’s plans for a night out. It happens a lot.

Turns out he had broken down on his drive and needed to get to the gig. He had tried all his real friends but then realized there’s someone he knows who has no nothing going on a Saturday night. Me.

So off I trekked to pick him up and take him to Richmond. I felt like a dad and I feel I should apologise to mine for all the last minute lifts I asked of him growing up. I now know that must have been massively annoying when all he wanted to do was watch the lottery and Casualty.

I did set the rule though that if anyone fell asleep on the journey I would pull over and push them out. No one fell asleep. Shame.

I did it really so that I would be due some good Karma. And if anyone’s due a change of fortune it’s me.  

I cut my hand opening a pizza box yesterday so Karma doesn’t work….

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